oh my goodness. Where to start? Brent and I have been off work while Brent heals from rotator cuff surgery. We have spent the days doing little since his arm isn’t supposed to be used at all. That eliminates most projects we have to do….I accomplished a picture project and record times of watching Netflix. The 5 day weekend of Spring Break never ended and we are currently still in it. Something called the coronavirus is going around and I guess we need to isolate….Have you heard about it?
Im getting all fussy, angry, sad, overwhelmed, depressed amongst all the feelings which means it’s time to write.
Now this is not a complaint or gripe but just where I am at. Most people have it much worse but Im in my head today. Each day is ground hog day and its no longer funny. These are the things we do everyday.
Get up, coffee, news, Brent and I enjoy the quiet house. I then clean and move around so I feel like I am doing something…Within a few hours the boys are awake. Im glad to see you but again all i see is what I haven’t been doing. They eat with phones in hand and we talk about the agenda that we still do not have. “what are we going to do today?”, THIS is what we are doing. Off and on we are playing with our new pup which is like a newborn and oh I how I forgot. Her muddy paw prints, biting, and whining are not bothering me at all. Time ticks on and most of us shower and get ready for what….then puzzling for me, its about noon so there is more eating…Then more electronics and time outside. The group of neighbor boys is what keeps me sane. The basketball games are the only thing my kids are doing that is good for them. once they are Back inside there is more eating, arguing, puzzling, wrestling, and if I am lucky they will play a board game with me. Lastly Brent and I go to bed around 9 and tell the boys to go to bed at 10:30 for Nolan and 11ish for Miles. I do know I have control over this non schedule that has been created, but I just can’t get it done. I read about all this homeschooling and I didn’t even think that way….any break in learning school stuff is welcomed and I wonder why I am the only one who is like this. Its so fun to feel inadequate. Miles is staying quite engaged with all the current events, since there is only one event they show, and so we do have a lot of discussion on this pandemic we are experiencing. Nightly news with Lester Holt is the show we all wait for. I find it all so weird yet intriguing, depressing yet it has captured all of me. My prayer life has become more than pathetic, mumbling safety and strength for all the affected. My brain goes back to meaningless things and then I’ll remember Im praying….one by one in our family, our church, oh wait a squirrel and just like that Im not praying anymore. Im realizing after having and dealing with mental illness for over 20 years I must be depressed but in a different way maybe. My chocolate intake is growing, my cares are trivial, my hair never gets brushed, and it takes till about 3pm before i decide that I should brush my teeth. Im overwhelmed anytime Georgia pisses in the house…..we let her out every 20 minutes and its still not enough. Do you know they fake squat? Seriously. Poor Russell is scared of her and wants nothing to do with her but for a quick moment yesterday they were both on my lap touching and all was well.
The news of school being online. That was probably when I realized its bad. We take walks with the pooches to get fresh air, but its the same stuff everywhere….less cars, gray sky, wet sidewalk and a guarantee iill pick up poop. Its suffocating, I feel trapped and I want to wake up from this nightmare. I know we are beyond fortunate to be able to be financially stable during this time, but my brain doesn’t appreciate it even when I acknowledge it aloud. Ive bought a few things on amazon to feel normal. Underwear and dog harnesses, very exciting. I actually am getting low on toilet paper and have seen the shelves are always empty. For the love of Pete why are you hoarding the tp??? I actually need some now. I guess we all panic differently?
I do my devotions and read in my Bible to reach for normalcy. My faith is strong and I am not at all worried about this, but still am so heavy. You would think an introvert and a person who hates hugs would be in dreamland….while Im not. Before ending I will list the things I do love and hold onto because I’m not doom and gloom Im just stuck under something heavy.
Georgias puppy snoring, watching Brent enjoy something he has always wanted (english bulldog), a computer that is fixed and is faster than ever, the times the fam is all together and we all are smiling because something Nolan did or is doing or saying, my comfy bed I crawl into each night, and the series The man in the high castle (Prime) cause its a good distraction. Until later stay safe and positive my friends:)