it time to get it alllllll out

oh my goodness. Where to start? Brent and I have been off work while Brent heals from rotator cuff surgery. We have spent the days doing little since his arm isn’t supposed to be used at all. That eliminates most projects we have to do….I accomplished a picture project and record times of watching Netflix. The 5 day weekend of Spring Break never ended and we are currently still in it. Something called the coronavirus is going around and I guess we need to isolate….Have you heard about it?

Im getting all fussy, angry, sad, overwhelmed, depressed amongst all the feelings which means it’s time to write.

Now this is not a complaint or gripe but just where I am at. Most people have it much worse but Im in my head today. Each day is ground hog day and its no longer funny. These are the things we do everyday.

Get up, coffee, news, Brent and I  enjoy the quiet house. I then clean and  move around so I feel like I am doing something…Within a few hours the boys are awake. Im glad to see you but again all i see is what I haven’t been doing. They eat with phones in hand and we talk about the agenda that we still do not have. “what are we going to do today?”, THIS is what we are doing. Off and on we are playing with our new pup which is like a newborn and oh I how I forgot. Her muddy paw prints, biting, and whining are not bothering me at all. Time ticks on and most of us shower and get ready for what….then puzzling for me, its about noon so there is more eating…Then more electronics and time outside. The group of neighbor boys is what keeps me sane. The basketball games are the only thing my kids are doing that is good for them. once they are Back inside there is more eating, arguing, puzzling, wrestling, and if I am lucky they will play a board game with me. Lastly Brent and I go to bed around 9 and tell the boys to go to bed at 10:30 for Nolan and 11ish for Miles. I do know I have control over this non schedule that has been created, but I just can’t get it done. I read about all this homeschooling and I didn’t even think that way….any break in learning school stuff is welcomed and I wonder why I am the only one who is like this. Its so fun to feel inadequate. Miles is staying quite engaged with all the current events, since there is only one event they show, and so we do have a lot of discussion on this pandemic we are experiencing. Nightly news with Lester Holt is the show we all wait for.  I find it all so weird yet intriguing, depressing yet it has captured all of me. My prayer life has become more than pathetic, mumbling safety and strength for all the affected. My brain goes back to meaningless things and then I’ll remember Im praying….one by one in our family, our church, oh wait a squirrel and just like that Im not praying anymore. Im realizing after having and dealing with mental illness for over 20 years I must be depressed but in a different way maybe. My chocolate intake is growing, my cares are trivial, my hair never gets brushed, and it takes till about 3pm before i decide that I should brush my teeth. Im overwhelmed anytime Georgia pisses in the house…..we let her out every 20 minutes and its still not enough. Do you know they fake squat? Seriously. Poor Russell is scared of her and wants nothing to do with her but for a quick moment yesterday they were both on my lap touching and all was well.

The news of school being online. That was probably when I realized its bad. We take walks with the pooches to get fresh air, but its the same stuff everywhere….less cars, gray sky, wet sidewalk and a guarantee iill pick up poop. Its suffocating, I feel trapped and I want to wake up from this nightmare.  I know we are beyond fortunate to be able to be financially stable during this time, but my brain doesn’t appreciate it even when I acknowledge it aloud.  Ive bought a few things on amazon to feel normal. Underwear and dog harnesses, very exciting. I actually am getting low on toilet paper and have seen the shelves are always empty. For the love of Pete why are you hoarding the tp??? I actually need some now. I guess we all panic differently?

I do my devotions and read in my Bible to reach for normalcy. My faith is strong and I am not at all worried about this, but still am so heavy. You would think an introvert and a person who hates hugs would be in dreamland….while Im not.  Before ending I will list the things I do love and hold onto because I’m not doom and gloom Im just stuck under something heavy.

Georgias puppy snoring, watching Brent enjoy something he has always wanted (english bulldog), a computer that is fixed and is faster than ever, the times the fam is all together and we all are smiling because something Nolan did or is doing or saying, my comfy bed I crawl into each night, and the series The man in the high castle (Prime) cause its a good distraction. Until later stay safe and positive my friends:)

 

 

 

 

heart stuff and the rage on math

 

 

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Photo by Deepak Gautam on Pexels.com

I might as well write in my state of lingo. Life is too fast, and things change so quick that well i better record something. Life is at the moment slow (usually not the case), Brent is recovering from shoulder surgery ( try to say that 5 times fast), so I get a 3 month vacay from work! Woohoo!

Where to start….with all this time off my mind likes to think more than it should. I start questioning things, reevaluating life, thinking more about why I am here and how on earth do I get this parenting thing down….add on a marriage of almost 19 years, that takes a lot of headspace to make that shine. I realize again how much we are blessed and how I want to teach the boys to really see this and understand this. A life in a positive perspective is a different life, one I want them to see life with. One of the things that keeps popping into my head is getting back into foster care. I don’t know why really because that was probably the hardest 3 years of my life. I was a mental wreck inside with all the love you give and the goodbyes that continually happen. I feel like I missed 3 full years of my kids grow while we were busy with the foster kids. I saw them the same amount but it wasn’t the same…blah blah blah that’s a long conversation. So why now? I know in my smart side of my brain that it cannot happen as it makes for an unhealthy mom which is not ok and your own family unit will crumble. Respite care? Maybe start there…a small chunk here and there giving other foster families a break but also willing to take on kids in the middle of the night if the situation arrises. The problem is my heart aches for these kids yet I am not at my best self with helping. I signed up for the Big Sister program hoping that will satisfy and will be a good fit for our life. I am kinda excited to meet the little or older girl! We can do girl things maybe…..hopefully, we will see who I am matched with. So theres one situation that my brain chews on if there is such a thing.

Another little section or medium section is school. Oh how school has so many different things to look at and understand. Our boys couldn’t be more opposite in most ways, including school. I don’t expect schools to cater to different kinds of kids and personalities but when you have one that doesn’t meet the mold of sitting in a desk and listening for more than 3 minutes it becomes something you think about. I love our school and am very grateful for the services they do offer and accomadations they do make. With this though its still hard, very hard. I wish there were schools where you could learn a radically different way….instead of the small bits of  hands on classes which provide time to move, but it just isn’t enough. I don’t expect anything to be different, it just an opinion and observation.

I do have a question and I welcome any answer or opinion. Why do kids have to learn like crazy advanced algebra? WHY? Unless you are becoming something that requires such math why would they be teaching our kids this? I firmly believe its not about the algebra but what goes into it that they are trying to teach…..how to concentrate, problem solve, work in groups, respect authority, all great things but why in the form of math like this? We are teaching all the kids something that maybe 3% will use. Why? Now, go ahead and correct me on this and tell me there is more people that use these 9 step problems in their career?Maybe I don’t know…after all I am just a painter! Why aren’t we teaching kids things like, how to be a good citizen, how to treat others, appropriate ways to talk to others, how to be a good samaritan, etc. Like that is what they actually need in any career or job they will have. Those are the things that happen everyday with everyone. I understand why they teach reading, writing, and history. You should learn how to read, and write because that is everywhere! History is good too, you should geographically know where you are on a map, what surrounds you, how the countries each started, etc. Now details of the battle of whatever how is that important? We need to learn why they went to war, how things changed, and how can we do it differently or improve if and when it comes up again. Now Science…..other than understanding gravity, action/reaction, how things are made (creation, well now that would be off limits of course), and figuring out disease stuff, why are we learning about the genetic makeup of a rat? Like why? ok as Im writing science is more important than I thought…the thing that angers me if how creation isn’t even taught as a theory anymore? all this evolution darwin crap…..do you know before Darwin died he recanted his theory? Now no ones know if this is absolute truth but Darwin himself, but it is interesting. Now I put my faith out there mixed with the school system. Im ignorant on so many things, maybe all this included…..but in real life do we need to learn how to treat each other properly or how to solve a 9 step algebra problem. The result is frustrated kids always struggling to learn this or a good handful that now they know all this can now……figure out what? Barf.

Well I have written too long- FYI this all is my own perspective which I acknowledge is partly ignorant. It just comes from a mom who didn’t win in that math department either and watches kids get bent out of shape on math they never need.

I have never made a goal

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This picture has nothing to do with the topic, I just like it.

I am not sure why this is, or where i would start if I made a goal. I guess I try for things here and there but if I don’t succeed i don’t feel like I didn’t reach my goal. Maybe goals would give me more direction in life or they would become a distraction on just living…I don’t know. It does sound lazy and maybe overall that is the problema. A goal in parenting? hmmm how about to keep them alive and to teach them how to treat others. What else is there? or maybe I could make a goal of…..I am stumped. I think the goal people have something they are trying to get of course. Grow a company, make more cash, lose weight, etc. Do some people not want to grow a company? Oh yes, there we are. Content with the 2 of us. Yes. not wanting employees ummm yes. Keep it simple as long as it satisfies what you need. Isn’t that ok? or maybe not just ok because most people have a list of stuff they are working towards.

I have a goal of working 830-3 when we paint. If we aren’t done, I leave anyway to make sure I keep my goal. Besides,  we have to come back tomorrow right? I have a goal of taking proper breaks during the day. A moment to scan the fb to make sure I am up to date with others lives. Plus, I have to sit down and drink coffee for a few minutes with nothing else going on.

Go getters have goals, people that want to make a difference or bring change to something…they have goals. How about this? Awhile ago I called the school to ask what they are doing about the vaping that is happening in the school. Like how is this happening? There is one bathroom for every grade in the middle school. That means around 500 kids throughout the day would potentially use the ban Yo…on one floor. If vaping is happening so much in the bathroom why isn’t something being done about it? Yes, a hall monitor is there, but can’t be in one place all the time….which is understandable.But they know the common place. Get a bathroom monitor right? Yes, extra money but seriously these are young teens vaping….seems important to me. Now the goal part. I could make it a goal to make this something that will happen. Go to meetings, put in requests, write letters to the important people, call everyday, etc. Then i find that this is not me, and the problem continues ( I do know the school is actively trying to do something, even though i don’t know what they are actually doing.) So, instead I do what most parents do. Acknowledge the issue in school and educate your kids as best as we can as to why they shouldn’t vape……ugh. Tell your son to avoid the temptation, even though its happening right behind the door, oh and hold your pee cause you don’t want to be guilty by association. Seriously…..well maybe I should tackle that goal of improving the school and trying our best to keep illegal business out of it. As I am writing this I see a real goal being formed. It isn’t me to be so assertive to the school, but why not? what holds me back? Failure? um  I believe I do that every day. Im human and normal, well mostly normal. Motivation, that must be a component as well. My motivation at its best is low to very low. Its always been that way. Maybe that is why I loathe exercising more than anything. Id rather eat lettuce all day than work out, Im fine with lanky arms with no muscle! What do I need muscles for when I have the strongest husband on earth:) Oh right, to be healthy and live longer….no thank you. Im ready for Jesus at all times.

My goals for today

Do laundry, clean kitchen, shower (a chore), work on my puzzle maybe, enjoy the time off with my boys, brush teeth….hmmm. oh and to avoid the nutella which I successfully did for 16 days. Last night I had a cut up banana soaked in nutella and well Brent was shocked to see how heaped my pile was…..I explained, each piece needs a lot. Well a full day ahead….

i need the time to pause

 

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These are the things that give me instant gratification . A fruit basket stand on sale for $8, then my fruit for the week neatly organized. Full heart. Then as i see it everyday I smile cause well its so cute. Weeks later my $8 purchase is no longer fulfilling. It now just holds my fruit. Typical.

Ive been deep thinking for awhile now and Im trying to figure out some things….

As people ask Miles what he wants to do after school, college, trades, work, all the things that come up i feel like he has already left. His plans are changing which of course is A ok. He has years to decide, no rush. But as it comes up I realize the time as a mom and home with kids is on the shorter side now than the longer side. 5 years till Nolan is 18.  I can”t even. I watch others kids leaving the home and all of a sudden the parents are empty nesters. This is not a term I like at all to be honest. I mean who wants an empty nest? The nest gives me meaning. The nest is perfectly busy and I am always needed. The nest is comfortable and cozy. Enough of the stupid nest.

Our close friends and I were talking the other day about plans when our kids graduate.  What will we do? where will we move when they finish? will be stay around? As i heard of plans of leaving this place after their kids graduate I was sick. Literally. Wait, where are you going? and why would you leave your dear friends? I asked, were we living in the good ole days because one day our families won’t share our lives anymore….like the day to day everything? Again barf rose up.

stop everything-I am not ready!! Ever since we started going to Triumph 13 years ago, our life has been shared with families and friends that I am incredibly grateful for. To name a few and remind you i’ll tell you…

Camping trips in the summer,Sunday afternoons watching football together,Tropical vacays including the recent Hawaii and upcoming Bahamas, Bible study every thursday, Thursday lunch (which is such a gift I can’t even explain), serving at church together, girls nights, last minute get togethers (a favorite)…I can’t imagine a stop on this life. The coffee dates, oh the countless coffee dates and play dates when they were little.

Sidenote -everytime I hear of someone moving my stomach churns. Where too? Why? How close are we? I have had a close friend move and well it sucked…even though Im well aware its not about what I think:) I try and figure out why it bothers me so much but I usually only come up with one reason. These are my people and I love them. So from age 24 to 37 my life has included you. Some shorter stays and some the whole time but I guess these have been the most important years. Ive asked my close friends to please give me ample warning before they are considering leaving the area. Im serious, I need time to grieve you. Good gravy my eyes are tearing up. My heart is on my sleeve, is that what they call it. Why is it called that? My heart is my whole outfit for crying out loud. My main fam aren’t physically close so you are it my friends-me familia.

ok-brain change this is too much if I sit here too long. Shopping break at Fleet farm for dog food. Ugh that place is busy. We should have assigned shopping days by last name or something.

Also, i have been thinking of how much my identity is wrapped up in being a mom. Its what I always wanted to be. It was my first career choice. I quit college first semester because well I wanted to get married, have kids, and not follow a career path that I had no idea of what I even wanted. Even now, Im like well I guess I could be a teacher or something in the schools, but nothing worth starting college now. Besides, I am head roller at my current job. I get paid well enough, the company is good, and well I make my own schedule. My dream wasn’t to be a painter of course, but its a good gig with the boys in school. No more work talk, that’s for a separate day. The truth is apart from being a mom Im not quite sure who or what I am. In short I know Im a wife, a child of the king, and well some other things Im sure. But when the kids are done and gone then what? What will happen when there are no more wet towels on the floor, and little random toys everywhere, teenager socks in and under everything, backpacks in the walking path, and the wrappers!!! whose wrappers will I find? Whose baseball pants will I get to clean, whose little back will I scratch? The list grows in my head as I think about it.

Nolan just appeared as Im writing this….grabbed the food coloring and headed downstairs. “Im going to make a fake cut with the food coloring”, What? Where? “on my desk he says… I asked if he wanted to play a game? He says he is too old for that. Gah. No one in my sweet little fam likes games or puzzles!!! Nolan appears again with his fake cut, made with a blend of vaseline, flour and food coloring. WOW. it’s impressive.

Enough for now-dinner needs to be made, so i’ll tell you all I’m off to cook, even though I know full well Brent is making meat pockets tonight. Boom.

 

 

a day off and Im left with my thoughts….

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Good gravy-my brain is going to burst. I need to get them out. They have somehow piled on top of each other and need space.

having a day off is dangerous. I will either end up at Home Goods or I will clean my house due to the neglect it is receiving. Today, it was the least expensive of the two.

currently we have carpet in our family room. This is nasty sauce. All I can think of is what is underneath all those pieces of thread. Vacuuming gives no relief as no vacuum can possibly pull out everything. What am I laying in while playing with Russ? Like dog farts and toenails maybe. Gross. I am eager to get none carpet floors in.

we just finished watching the Handmaids Tale- so twisted, but I can’t help thinking of the writer that seriously has some talent. Like how do you think of this stuff? Gilead is messed up.

Nolan wears the same sweatshirt everyday to school despite having more than one. He likes the feel of it, but can’t he change it up? and why does it bother me? I do like his presentation every morning when he comes up. What fantastic combo or shorts, shirt and socks will it be today. They truly are unique.  You might see the shirt before the sweatshirt takes hold.

Both boys have told us our newly painted walls look like an asylum, Like they would know what that looks like? I went along with it and said yes, that’s what we are aiming for, asylum. we are slowly turning the whole house white and sterile.

i feel really guilty not taking russ on walks in this temp. Its freezing and Im like no.

Does anyone have tracers? like from damage done years ago? weird-neither do i. weird black shadows that I never do see.

Has my choice in TV shows given me the habit of looking over my shoulder? Anxiety in its finest form.

all this cbd crap- its all in your head. But I am a user since well i am a sucker too for the latest and greatest.  (my opinion people)

There is a study to support anything you believe to be true.. IE coffee gives you cancer, coffee is bad for you, coffee stunts your growth, coffee drinkers are happier, coffee is good for your body in new ways……blah blah blah. A new study shows…….blah

I need a haircut super bad. Will I ever get the point where i want to style my hair or ever dry it after a shower.  I am like a boy who combs his wet hair and off he goes.

If I forget to put concealer on my boys get concerned and ask me if I have been crying.  Yikes, Its that bad huh?

Teachers have one of the hardest jobs. They need to be paid more. They are taking care of our kids for crying out loud. Trying to teach them and give them an education that they do need…..or its a social experiment which is fine too because there is no better place to learn social skills than a classroom.

I still haven’t brushed my teeth, They are furry. Gross. Furry is a yucky word. I will brush them shortly.

How often are you supposed to wash bedding? Its a long process, like 3 loads per bed. I can’t do it- maybe once a month I get to it? I smell my kids and they smell like old spice so all is well right?

sometimes i let the dishes add up. when will i learn this is never a good idea.

we bought 4 gallons of ice cream for an ice cream social that was rained out.  We have been eating a lot of ice cream because well it needs to be eaten.

I wish we could eat cereal and toast every night for dinner. no planning, no fuss, cheap. Or the same dinner. Making meals is my #1 stressor. I know how to do it, i just don’t like it. I will clean your bathroom if you make my dinner. For real. I’ll even scrub your tub which always hurts the ribs.

I can’t imagine life without my church. My bffs are all there, my community, my comfort, This is the place I found God so I like it a lot.

by now this post is long so i’ll stop. Besides my nachos are gone and I have to pee.

the memory ward

 

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Photo by Erkan Utu on Pexels.com

I have always wanted to be a fly on the wall in many situations or places. Mostly to do with my kids classroom or their groups of friends….the usual stuff like that. This week I have gotten to be that fly on the wall in a setting I never saw myself in. When Brent had told me our next painting job was in a memory ward I didn’t think much of it. I knew residents would be around while we were painting but I never knew how much we would experience only being a fly on the wall. I say that as in they know we are there but not really, and we are always a new person each day and each encounter. Its like we aren’t there to them anyway, they see us but don’t know us or remember us….

We have watched and listened as we paint to so much in 5 days I come home overwhelmed. Like being in a very busy nursery all day but not being able to help….its a weird thing. You enter a code to get in of course and from there on in its quite contained. Each person has their story and their things they do….there are ones that wander all day, the ones that sleep all day, the ones who yell, the physical ones, the ones who are generally happy, the scowling ones, the scary ones, and any other category there is one someone falls under it.

Since its a memory unit there are many surprises in each day. At first it was comical, what they said to each other, their quick retorts, the ramblings about things that were not there….then sadness comes realizing how bad Alzheimers is.

Fast forward a few days…..new floor with new residents. Again new comics on the scene. One lady has Brent and I giggling all day. The things she yells from her room are hilarious and she is just well fun to be around. As I walked by her room she summoned me in as she does to everyone that passes. Shaking her sock at me she said “would you help me put this on”? I couldn’t say no so I dropped my stuff and helped her out. She was so frail and wanted to pay me for the service. I had told her the “thank you” was enough. A few minutes later she is asking someone to come in because she needs to get her 2 pies out of the oven! Her stories never end. She decided to stay in bed as we painted her room, many more laughs later she told me I was really good at my job, but Brent not so much….she said I wouldn’t ever tell him that…..as he is 3 feet from me :0

I find it interesting how this group of people are living their last years. They are eerily similar to their first years. Lots of singalongs, diaper changes, temper tantrums, scheduled snack breaks, playing with instruments,s the list goes on. Its not their choice of course, it is just how their life has played out.

Ive watched the nurses and CNA’s care for the residents. Day in and day out of repeating the same things, answering their questions with lies….atleast I thought they were just lies. Example: Resident asks CNA ” where is Henry?”. CNA responds “he is at the store, He will be back in 10 minutes.” Resident nods and accepts answer. This is repeated day in and day out with anyone they ask about. I kept wondering why on earth don’t they just tell them the truth? Then I began to see….if you tell them the truth it could upset them, they often are looking for their parents. You are eliminating a potential sad scene which wouldn’t serve any purpose.  The thing is the resident doesn’t follow up with Why is Henry still gone after 10 minutes?  They don’t remember they even asked. It never comes  like they never said it….thus the fibs.

Since painting wall after walls is mindless I always have lots of time to think. Usually we would listen to music but we are trying to be less noise in a place that is noise. Instead we listen to all the ever changing conversations around us.

Ill end with this…some of ladies have dolls that they believe and act like are their real babies. Its absolutely priceless to watch them coddle over the baby. Then just like that another mom pipes in how precious she is and how she is such a cute baby! The caretakers are gentle with the dolls and the whole scene is sweet, sad but still sweet.

 

 

the slow life

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This picture makes me smile. My youngest sister taking care of some shaving for my dad. He was showing her how to go round and round and we were laughing as she hadn’t done this before. The process of my Dad moving into assisted living has been interesting to say the least. We have watched him age years over the last year and well its new territory for all us. His hands are hurting and numb and he has lost so much strength in his hands and fingers. Watching him do the things we do with ease is sad and hard. Its hard not to jump in right away and help, but if he doesn’t keep moving he will continue to lose mobility. I have had a few meals in the dining room with him. This is also and interesting experience. You see from table to table that your dad is no exception to this crap. Being able to see different seniors at different phases has been quite intriguing. I try not to stare but its my curiosity that I can’t stop. From watching one man eating waffles that have been purreed to the lady that just stares into space, back to another  who sips his water with his hand shaking violently. As i write my Dad is sleeping in his chair having his morning siesta. I keep looking over to see if he is still snoozing and continue to type, and while wondering if his blasting Dragons Den show will wake him up. I don’t dare touch the remote because he will hear it! Ill spend a few days here basically just being a companion and friend. I believe its what he needs. We will talk about stuff but we also have been spending lots of quiet time just sitting…his TV on and my phone or book in my hand.  There is something about just being with each other. I am realizing this more and more and how important it is. He no longer is married and doesn’t have the constant companion of a spouse. His complaints are constant but he just needs to be heard. The pace of his “schedule” is turtle like and all is done in turtle like time. We ventured out to play bingo down the hall yesterday and I was entertained by new characters. One lady made me chuckle over and over. She was rigid and liked to do her own thing….one lady made a remark to her and as quick as ever she said to another lady beside her “isn’t she a pest”….”your a pest”. There was no smile and she was serious. The two ladies had different ways of playing bingo and the one who was playing with the correct rules felt the need to correct her friend. Previously this lady with wit grabbed a cookie from a package of the brand “dads” cookies. She held it up and asked if it was homemade? Another lady told her no it was a “dads cookie” from the maker of Christie. She then said oh Christie made it? So it is homemade?…. i tried to keep the smile off my face from becoming a full out laugh. Life is slow here and my Dad feels the time doesn’t move.Its long, boring, and when you are in pain and uncomfortable time really does stand still. I compare it too having the flu….helpless, weak, tired, nauseous, can’t go anywhere….is this his life now? one long episode of flu?

Conversations:

Me: Dad, do you want to go anywhere while I am here?

Dad: Where would I want to go? blank stare

Me: Is there anything I can get you for your place?

Dad: What do I need? blank stare

Me: are you doing ok here? like do you think this place will be ok/good for you?

Dad: I don’t know how to answer that? blank stare

I smile and say ok:) we just want you to be comfortable here. He reminds me that he will never be comfortable. I smile and reply I know.

Parkinsons is a frustrating disease as I suppose most diseases are. We haven’t been able to stop the progression of it with meds. We will watch in anticipation that it might turn around at some point,but the reality of that is well not great.

This entry really doesn’t serve a purpose per se. Its just me sharing a glimpse of a day with my Dad. There is so much more to say about this whole situation but I will leave that for a different day. Its almost time for lunch and soon he will have to get up so we can head down to the dining room.

 

please spring stay away

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OK. I know I am the minority is not wishing for spring. It gives me the (aing-zitty) as my dad calls it. I don’t know really why sometimes but the more it snows the better I feel. Opposite of SAD, with the seasons that is. The higher the drift the better. I kinda like driving down my street seeing the mini mountains of snow, wondering how much higher they can get. I giggle every time they report of more snow….yes yes yes. When I see the drift going over the fences now that is the best. When the white out conditions come I feel joy. The spree of blizzards and cold weather were making me giddy. I kept saying to myself….I wonder how much colder can it get? Like it was crazy to be outside, but when the weather man says its -65 with wind chill its kinda exciting right? I always think….hmm can we get to -80 then? Another thing about winter is most people have a little blah to them, and generally that’s how I prefer people. Just a tip off your cheeriness does me well. People are sweet little hermits in winter. How fast can you get in the door and close the garage door? Dark at 4pm well I don’t mind if I do:) The interstates are closing? Fabulous. Recommending no travel? Awesome? 2 hours late again? Okay that one is getting old since middle school then starts at 11!! Blowing snow? Thank you. Poor visibility? Yes please. Frost bite in 2 minutes, now that’s fascinating. Ok- I might start upsetting people. Its not like I enjoy winter activities or anything either. Cross country skiing nearly killed me, downhill skiing hurts my shins and I just can’t relax, tubing well how many times can you tube down a hill and hit your butt. I did shovel out a little cave for Nolan and I and well that was fun. Mostly, I am inside looking out at the cold and snow and for that I am grateful. I’ll end my winter excitement with…..looking outside and all is quiet when the snow flies. The best noise, its like life on mute, sounds amazing right? well thats most of winter-quiet…

I start to get the ang-zitty now that March is approaching. Lion, Lamb, what is it going to be. And yes, I hope for lion coming in and lion going out. Ha. Big surprise. The melt that will eventually come is ugly. Everything is slushy and brown outside. The little ones are playing outside (just kidding, I love watching when kids play in any season….not in a creepy way), the dog area becomes poop soup which I am responsible for, the paws that come in are wet and dirty, gravel enters the house, uhhh. Please winter come back.

I don’t know why Spring is so hard. I mean not like so hard, but I really don’t like it when it comes, and most people are beyond giddy that its nice outside. “isn’t it so nice out”? it feels so good! Fine it does-but can we please stop loving it so much…signed the grinch of spring.

I would get into my feelings of summer and fall which are quite mixed but I will leave that for another day. Baseball, camping, patios, Yes these are amazing.

Sidenote:

Now, I know most will assume that I wouldn’t like Winter so much if I had to help in the snow removal. Well, I have helped,but, mostly this winter its all needed the snowblower. The snowblower apparently gets stuck in drive sometimes and Brent really doesn’t want me running into the garage door or his little bug so Im playing it safe rather than sorry. With that though Ive helped clear snow at our flip house…why I am explaining myself to you. Dumb.

this does not make sense

IMG_5469Once again a list is piling in my head…

There is this gym and for privacy and all I will keep their name anonymous. Lets just say it might rhyme with Janet Witness. I do not go to the gym as I would rather poke my eyeballs out. There is nothing I loathe more than physical fitness. But my honey is getting his beach bod ready with working out there along with a rigorous strict diet of lettuce. Anywho are you aware that this said gym has a pizza night?? Yes, a pizza night at their gym where they have free pizza for their customers. Not only a pizza night but bagels are offered once a month too for a breakfast option. THIS DOES NOT MAKE SENSE. This is a gym where people go to at least attempt to get fit….like they need pizza smell in their face while they are supposed to work out! Here lets add on a pound or two by giving you free pizza. Whose idea was this? ALSO, a candy dish full of the delicious purple grape frooties, and tootsie rolls. Again, just a little sugar to keep you on track. This is also a gym where there is no scale to be seen since its a judgement free zone. Good gravy. Yes, judgement free but why can’t someone track their progress at the gym? like the place they most want to track it at. All Im saying is that I did have a short career as an exerciser and let me tell you they at least had a scale for their customers. Its a gym, its not an odd place for a scale. This gym does not make sense.

#2

The beautiful snow above is at a house we just sold. Since its on a corner the sidewalk ends get filled beyond full and I got the job of chopping the snow so we could scoop out the snow since it was already packed hard. The plough does a wonderful job but when it comes to corner houses it licks for real. Since we are responsible home owners we will clear a path and make an opening to the street but it was interesting enough for me to stop and take a picture of it so I thought i would share.  Would it make more sense to not have any corner houses, but just one continuous street or never ending loops of houses??? of course not but I do ponder these lame things as I use up all my strength to lift this heavy snow. Maybe I should go to Janet Witness or maybe more likely I will keep my wimpy arms. Brent just reminded me as his Grandma lived on a corner for years….She would call the city and tell them to clean up their snow….Its not her snow, its their snow..she cleaned hers and the mess from the plow is their snow to take care of:) We really like that one.

#3

Here is one I don’t get. Im reminded every time we go to a wrestling tournament. Nolan is in 6th grade so he is the very last group to wrestle so we are given plenty of time to sit and observe some interesting stuff. I compare it to a dog fight. Both Brent and I had to laugh yesterday…Some of these dads and moms get into like their son is literally supposed to choke the other kid out. I ask myself…Is he serious? Does he really have that look in his eye? He must really want to be on the mat….the little guys are in preschool and the tears, oh the tears. Oh we have another crier or and another one. Poor kids, their Dad says they are ok, slaps them on the butt and sends them out for another beating. Then the kid looks and acts if they are dying from the move that is sprung on them causing their face to turn red, followed by the dad yelling….GET UP!!! GET UP!!!  the little man gets up and runs to his dad practically begging to give up. They say its a rough sport and is it ever. We watch the same scene over and over and we end up laughing it off, but yet each time we are at another tournament I question why are parents making their kids continue this stuff!! Next time I should count the crying kids.Is it to make them “tough” is that what it is? To learn resilience?  I don’t get it. Our son has done tournaments on and off for years and I guess in some ways we have done the same…..encourage him to keep going after he is hurt and the tears are flowing but Ive also let him forfeit knowing he would have to deal with the loss that way as well.

Oh lastly about wrestling tourneys….the loudest ever. Who can yell louder? Work the half work the half, shoot, GET UP!!!!!!!!!!!

#4

Here is a touchy one. Cell phones in school.Why? What happened to the office phone? Is it no longer available? I understand that they are convenient and all but why in school? Lunches are kids on their screens no longer talking, recess is with kids gathered around a cell phone, kids looking up everything under the sun because the school has wifi. Even if there are restrictions on the school wifi kids work around them….again why in school. Can’t they be checked in before school? any free minute at school is on these stupid things. We put a time restriction on our sons phone. He gets it in school but its limited. The odd time it is nice to have him have a phone at school is if plans change….but the good ole office phone could handle that too. Its no big deal now to watch “the Office” with your friends on your phone during study hall….what? why? WHY? Why do we have this as an option? We have been suckered into letting our kids have them in school… not even to mention the amount of bullying that goes on live while at school…..bah.

Now I know none of these really go together but they are all under a category of things to question and things that just don’t make sense to me anyway.

 

 

I’d like to tell you something

IMG_5399

 

I went to a women retreat this past weekend. As per usual I was filled up with good info to once again save the world. Not really, but that was my first thought and I liked it. It was all about “our story” and how everyone’s story is important. We heard from different women about their testimony. How they came to know the Lord and the backstory of their upbringing to their current phase in life. I was able to share my story and well it gets easier the more times you share. We also watched a video series by Greg Laurie. He said a lot of fantastic things but the one thing that stuck was this:

If you were a beggar and you found a pile of food, wouldn’t you tell the beggar beside you where to get the food too?

That is us with Christ. We are beggars and we all need Christ. If you had knowledge of a never ending source of food, wouldn’t you share it? Or would you keep walking by knowing they are starving and knowing full well you have the key to an everlasting life! I have beaten up myself because I, over and over have been the beggar that walks right by you, while you sit and wait for food. Now, before I go any further this is just an illustration that spoke to me. I know there is a real crisis of people actually needing physical food, the food I am sharing about will fill you forever.

I am a big skeptic of all the things….what a hoax I would have said in my previous years. How silly it is to talk about such fairytale stuff. It wasn’t until my stone heart began to break did I realize my need.

Let me take you back…..a short version, well this may be long as I write, from age birth to 25. I was born and raised in a Christian home. I always knew of the Bible and God and was able to tell you stories that were in the fat intimidating book! We would go to church and what not and for the most part I can remember we were a good family. I don’t remember a whole lot of Jesus in my knowledge but didn’t think it mattered or didn’t apply or whatever….I have a few memories growing up and well most of them were pleasant. Fast forward to parts I do remember. My parents were going to get a divorce and well that just shook our family up a tad much. Things no longer were predictable and well in my memory it was hard, sad, and sucked. Life changed a lot and I went through a lot of change for a 12 year old. We left our church and that gave me a sour taste in my mouth for so called “christians”, 7th,8th an 9th grade were all different schools, my mom was getting remarried, we we were moving to the US. I mean seriously wouldn’t any kid smoke pot to subdue that much change. It really didn’t unfold just like that but somewhere in my 8th grade year  I made some choices that put me on a path that wasn’t healthy they’d say. From age 14 to 21 I have a mix of memories. To summarize I had gone to a few rehabs for drug addiction, had an amazing eating disorder, had sex far far far far far far far too early, and well a long list of shameful crap that no one should be proud of. I don’t know what I thought of God during this time. I acknowledged there was a God but I really didn’t want to hear about Him or have anything to do with Him and I would not enter a church that was for sure! ( Meanwhile I had a faithful mom who prayed and prayed and prayed). Fast forward a few more years and Brent and I got married! He insisted he wouldn’t date a girl who used drugs so I ended giving that up in the name of love….besides I could just drink more then right? To add to the mix I had been dealing with depression and anxiety since well forever it seemed. Medicated or not it makes life hard. Period. A few more went by and now we had 2 beautiful boys…Miles and Nolan, my hearts. I was married, had 2 kids, and was able to stay at home with them. My life was perfect or I thought I should have felt perfect. I mean I had all I ever wanted in front of me and I was LOST. I didn’t get it. My priorities began to change as did my lifestyle with 2 little ones. I was wanting to go a different direction, I needed to. I had a strong conviction of the choices I had made and I knew I didn’t want to be her anymore….In previous years Brent had mentioned here or there we should try church. I was resistant but decided to have Miles baptized in the church Brent grew up in. That was all fine and done but had no idea why we every even did it…..other than just a thing to do. Baptized the little man….Done! We knew Brents grandma attended a church near us and somehow God brought us there one day. I remember jumping in with 2 feet and I never looked back. I didn’t know how church would affect me if anything but I was desperate for help and change. Since I stayed at home with the boys I was able to attend a thursday morning Bible Study where they watched your babies while you hung out with other moms and had a snack. Yes Please. I don’t care what we learn about, I just need a break, and Im tired of my life…..For months and months as I attended this study I would ball everytime, especially when it was time to pray, something I had never done, and something I didn’t understand really at all. I was so broken in so many ways and I realized somewhere in those months my need for a savior. I had a few girls approach me and I couldn’t figure out why they were so nice to me and the boys. I thought it was creepy and kept wondering what they wanted from me and why are you so nice???!!! Over the next several years things really have changed and still are. I can’t imagine my life without my church family.  Here is a list of what I have learned so far…

  1. Life is still hard. Being a Christian doesn’t mean you have a easy life, it actually will become harder in many ways. The crap still happens, the disappointments continue, illness still creeps in. What we have though is HOPE. We have a Father in Heaven who will help you through life instead of doing it on your own…which is exhausting. We can understand the trials better and know that this life is temporary.
  2. Jesus really loves you. He has been seeking you. Each one of you. If you are open to Him entering your life he will show up! But those who refuse to believe and have hardened their hearts towards the Lord,he will leave them alone….it is a choice.
  3. With God at the wheel you can truly surrender your whole life too him. You will be able to look at life through Gods eyes and let him carry you.
  4. The primary way God speaks to us is through The Bible. Yes, reading it is really how you grow and understand what a life following Christ is really about. The sermons, the studies, the songs, all play an important part in your Christian life, but nothing compares to reading and studying God’s word. I can say for years I didn’t read my Bible even though we were going to church….I figured the sermon was enough. Well if you really really want to hear from Him open that book. 5 minutes a day to start cannot hurt or kill you. This is not a lecture fyi, it is just what I have learned.
  5. Jesus died on the cross for all our sins. Picture it. That was for you. By believing in Him we can live eternally in Heaven with Him! How’s that for love?!
  6. Being a good person is great but it is not a ticket to Heaven. Once you know and see How much God has done for you our natural response is good deeds, but deeds on their own cannot save you.
  7. Good deeds become different if you do them for the Lord. There is an amazing thing how giving becomes better than receiving.
  8. God hasn’t called us to be comfortable in our lives. We are made to disciple others and get dirty. Find your passion and HELP. We each have been given gifts to serve the Lord.
  9. Our God forgives over and over. We are going to screw up, like a lot because we are sinful humans. We have a God who is full of compassion and will forgive us if we repent of our sins. God knows your heart. He will know if you are sincere.
  10. NO ONE is beyond the touch of Jesus. That child molester, that murderer, that unfaithful wife…. all can be forgiven and live with God in eternity.
  11. Creation is fascinating. We were each created uniquely. Think of the billions of people in this world and no two are alike. How the brain works, how we have babies, how animals live, how the sun rises and sets each day. Someone created that, It wasn’t just here or it wasn’t just a big bang:)
  12. God has a purpose for each one of us. Seek Him and He will answer.
  13. Lastly, because now this post is super looooonnnnnngg Satan is real. His demons are real. He is working day and night to add people to his kingdom of darkness. He hates God and will do many things to get us to stray from believing in God. He twists scripture, which can be very confusing if you don’t know the word of God.
  14. oh and I have learned more but the list has to have an end.

I pray for you and ask that you take time to consider his gift to you. Who are you living for? If its not for God, its ends up being the Devil. Sounds harsh, but its true. Im learning more and more everyday about the Christian life. FYI I had my days of mocking Bible bangers and making fun of “church people”. I am still a sinner, and will continue to make messes through my journey. I don’t judge you. I long for you to hang out with me underneath the passionfruit tree in Heaven. I often am scared to talk about my faith. Why? I am scared of rejection or judgement. I don’t want to smother you…i have a list of excuses….but in all seriousness one beggar should not pass the other beggar and not let him know the source of food is right there.

 

Also-if anyone ever has any questions about any of this I am super pumped to talk about it. AnYTime!