i need the time to pause



These are the things that give me instant gratification . A fruit basket stand on sale for $8, then my fruit for the week neatly organized. Full heart. Then as i see it everyday I smile cause well its so cute. Weeks later my $8 purchase is no longer fulfilling. It now just holds my fruit. Typical.

Ive been deep thinking for awhile now and Im trying to figure out some things….

As people ask Miles what he wants to do after school, college, trades, work, all the things that come up i feel like he has already left. His plans are changing which of course is A ok. He has years to decide, no rush. But as it comes up I realize the time as a mom and home with kids is on the shorter side now than the longer side. 5 years till Nolan is 18.  I can”t even. I watch others kids leaving the home and all of a sudden the parents are empty nesters. This is not a term I like at all to be honest. I mean who wants an empty nest? The nest gives me meaning. The nest is perfectly busy and I am always needed. The nest is comfortable and cozy. Enough of the stupid nest.

Our close friends and I were talking the other day about plans when our kids graduate.  What will we do? where will we move when they finish? will be stay around? As i heard of plans of leaving this place after their kids graduate I was sick. Literally. Wait, where are you going? and why would you leave your dear friends? I asked, were we living in the good ole days because one day our families won’t share our lives anymore….like the day to day everything? Again barf rose up.

stop everything-I am not ready!! Ever since we started going to Triumph 13 years ago, our life has been shared with families and friends that I am incredibly grateful for. To name a few and remind you i’ll tell you…

Camping trips in the summer,Sunday afternoons watching football together,Tropical vacays including the recent Hawaii and upcoming Bahamas, Bible study every thursday, Thursday lunch (which is such a gift I can’t even explain), serving at church together, girls nights, last minute get togethers (a favorite)…I can’t imagine a stop on this life. The coffee dates, oh the countless coffee dates and play dates when they were little.

Sidenote -everytime I hear of someone moving my stomach churns. Where too? Why? How close are we? I have had a close friend move and well it sucked…even though Im well aware its not about what I think:) I try and figure out why it bothers me so much but I usually only come up with one reason. These are my people and I love them. So from age 24 to 37 my life has included you. Some shorter stays and some the whole time but I guess these have been the most important years. Ive asked my close friends to please give me ample warning before they are considering leaving the area. Im serious, I need time to grieve you. Good gravy my eyes are tearing up. My heart is on my sleeve, is that what they call it. Why is it called that? My heart is my whole outfit for crying out loud. My main fam aren’t physically close so you are it my friends-me familia.

ok-brain change this is too much if I sit here too long. Shopping break at Fleet farm for dog food. Ugh that place is busy. We should have assigned shopping days by last name or something.

Also, i have been thinking of how much my identity is wrapped up in being a mom. Its what I always wanted to be. It was my first career choice. I quit college first semester because well I wanted to get married, have kids, and not follow a career path that I had no idea of what I even wanted. Even now, Im like well I guess I could be a teacher or something in the schools, but nothing worth starting college now. Besides, I am head roller at my current job. I get paid well enough, the company is good, and well I make my own schedule. My dream wasn’t to be a painter of course, but its a good gig with the boys in school. No more work talk, that’s for a separate day. The truth is apart from being a mom Im not quite sure who or what I am. In short I know Im a wife, a child of the king, and well some other things Im sure. But when the kids are done and gone then what? What will happen when there are no more wet towels on the floor, and little random toys everywhere, teenager socks in and under everything, backpacks in the walking path, and the wrappers!!! whose wrappers will I find? Whose baseball pants will I get to clean, whose little back will I scratch? The list grows in my head as I think about it.

Nolan just appeared as Im writing this….grabbed the food coloring and headed downstairs. “Im going to make a fake cut with the food coloring”, What? Where? “on my desk he says… I asked if he wanted to play a game? He says he is too old for that. Gah. No one in my sweet little fam likes games or puzzles!!! Nolan appears again with his fake cut, made with a blend of vaseline, flour and food coloring. WOW. it’s impressive.

Enough for now-dinner needs to be made, so i’ll tell you all I’m off to cook, even though I know full well Brent is making meat pockets tonight. Boom.



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