never ever again

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I went out today with the intention of revisiting an activity i tried years ago….cross country skiing. Easy enough I thought. Some spark that had lit years ago, I had never gone again and as each winter would passed i was “doh”….next year. Not this year. I drove my independent self ( or so I tried to be) to the park, rented my gear, and set out for some “me” time. I stepped outside and off I went. Off to my right I see Mr. Professional cruising by like he does this for a job….ok Sarah, its fine you are not there but well I am sure pretty close. BIGGEST LIE EVER. Upon entering the forest they was a sizable hill. A hill I don’t even like riding with my bike….but I was like well here goes….like riding a bike right? Now I am half way down the hill and completely toppled over. My butt is throbbing like I pulled something and I hear a lady saying “I’ll help you up”. We exchanged quick words as I was determined to get going on my leisurely ski. A few minutes in and several strides later the good ole thought came back…..good grief woman you are not athletic, nope, not at all, and graceful, well for sure no. When I see you and your poles are flying all over the place trying to balance yourself and get steady…yeah no pretty picture there. Instead of trying and trying I pulled out the old google and youtubed how to cross country ski…after a quick demo I was confident, yep I can do that. I guess I could and I did, but it was not pretty, and why on earth can’t I stay upright!! (insert bad words) now more limbs are hurting and I feel like a failure and Im wishing I hadn’t tried to do the miss independent thing….cause I could really use a familiar face right now.  Every time I would have a close call with a face wash of snow I would look all around…who saw me? who is watching this disaster? oh please don’t come talk to me. All of this insecurity taking over my whole experience. Even when I would have a few good strides Id stop and look around….who is seeing this mess? Why am I here? Im glad no one came with me, cause boy oh boy they would be frustrated…. I tried to enjoy my crappy getting no where skiing, I tried to ignore my stiff body and that I wasn’t making myself hold my breath…..what on earth? This is not worth it, just quit and all will be well again.

So, I decided to head back…..or so I thought. In the last few years, somewhere along the line I lost my compass ,my internal one, right along with my memory. THIS is not a JOKE. I skied and pouted and skied and pouted and headed back. After an hour or more i marched across an open field to take the “short cut” back to the lodge. I would stop here and there taking on and off my skiis trying to just be done. I don’t know what field I crossed but I got myself so turned around in that park it was embarrassing….yes embarrassing because of all those people watching me, right? um nope coast is still pretty clear. I literally found a bench and googled my location, the map might have well been in Chinese, I just couldn’t figure it out. (more bad words) and sounds of frustration with myself and how stupid this was. More on and off skiing now with others coming both ways. A polite hello, and smile. Yep, do you think I could ask anyone of them the way back? nope. PRIDE, a demon of mine….I often don’t realize I struggle with PRIDE, until Im like no way I can ask them?

Then the professional man in his green jacket zips by. I hate you I say to him….Hey do you hear me??? I said I hate you. No, I didn’t say it, but I sure thought of it. More moments passed and I was seeing the same landmarks as I did awhile ago. Good grief woman.  Then I see someone from high school? What do I do? look down and ski to avoid all encounters. Pathetic, but this is me at 35? Wow, i amaze myself at how unsocial I am and how literally terrified of people I am. I check out my google map again, and Ive made progress, but progress to where? I don’t know. Why am I lost in my local park? Why can’t I understand a map? Why can’t I ski properly? To settle myself down I do what every good teenager would do….take a selfie. Look, I am angry skier, annoyed skier, having fun skier, then I laugh to myself and really wonder who I am. I ponder too many things and finally figure out the way back, or the way that I made it back.

The lady inside asked how it went and I told her, “I think you want to ask someone else”. OOOOOPPPPPSSSSS. Did I say that, yep. I was honest and told her it was a lot harder than it looked and that I will not attempt for at least another 10 years.

Back in my car I decided to stop at ALDI for some random groceries. AH YES, COMFORT. A grocery store where I can peruse, compare prices, find new eats, and all things fabulous. This is what I am good at. Yep. Groceries. I know there is more, but I sure wasn’t feeling it in the forest. As I write my head hurts from one of my many falls, and I wonder why people physically put themselves out there? Something that clearly doesn’t drive this woman. Back in my cozy nest I am relaxed but my hands are jittering. Must have to do with my compass and memory issue….as my dear friend would say…I think I am dying. SEE ya folks.