hello darkness my old friend

I don’t even know if its normal or not. l wake up this way and stay this way all day. Some things get a small smile but most doesn’t. I think of why or is this normal. Nope. Pretty sure not normal. Who wakes up irritable every day? Who finds it hard to find joy in anything. I have so much to say and get out but it doesn’t come. I just look and stare and clean my house. Im not sure if its the clean room sense of accomplishment or what….but it is satisfying. They talk to me and I just nod and try to listen. You know its bad when your babes are saying…mom I got a 100% of my test, and Im like great, but don’t show it. I care but i can’t show it or feel it. Yes, the feeling is gone. The compassion, the empathy. You hear the horrible tragedies of the Las Vegas shooting of over 50 people. You watch a 5 min clip of the news and are bewildered of the way people are, and then move on. It doesn’t sink in, I can’t feel it. I want to. I want to get right down on my knees and pray but I have no feeling to go off of. These events just keep happening and they keep getting worse but nothing changes. I forget about it way to soon and go on just being here and not thinking about it.

I want to care, but I don’t. Maybe if they were on my doorstep crying and desperate. Maybe then? I would hope so.

I feel like I have been annoyed for months, maybe a year. I cannot remember when I was not like this. My brain is so scattered and forgets way to much that I can’t even remember when it started or what changed. Hmmm, my cocktail of meds I take every day? could be. How should I know?

I love Jesus. Haven’t mentioned that yet, shame on me. Its all self centered i see, but its paralyzing, I can’t get out. I pull out my Bible and devotions most mornings to try to find that joy again, trying to be close to God as I know the closer you are to Him the more peace and joy you will have. My Bible study is encouraging but I always see it through the filter of heavy depression. I believe what it says, I know its true, oh but to feel it. When I listen to others share I think are you really that cheery today? I know each of us has our cup of tea to drink but sometimes I want to taste someone else tea. I am able to remind myself of the truths of God and where my eternal home is. Only then can I endure and go on with this darkness.

Home is hard. Marriage is harder, parenting is the hardest? I usually just have to wait it out but man oh man it doesn’t give me much of a break. Trying to live a good life at home while you are being pushed down at the same time well sucks. It all becomes to much, too hard, too everything.

blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah. Yes, the brain. The mind. This is how I respond sometimes. I don’t want to figure you out, I prefer you just shut up and go away.

Barf. Coffee awaits.